Episode 29: The Need to Belong

In this episode,

Lizzie dives into the need for connection, why we feel it, when it's strongest, and what to do about it. Listen in for some tips on finding your people, building community, and trusting yourself that you are worthy of belonging.

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Post-pod questions to consider

What is one hobby or interest in your life that you do alone? How might you find a community that shares your passion?

Episode Transcript

Hey, you're listening to Midnight Philosopher with Lizzie. Thanks for tuning in. Today, I'm going to talk about the need to belong. 

People have a need to belong, and it comes from a long time ago when people literally needed a group to survive. When people lived in hunter-gatherer societies, they needed other people for protection, to provide food, and to provide childcare. 

But the feeling of needing to belong exists even today when technically survival doesn't hinge on having a community. Technically, you don't need anyone else to survive in the modern world. And, you know, having that community can be a really good buffer and health and happiness factor. 

A lack of feeling that you belong is intricately linked with shame, which is the feeling that you've been outcast from a group. Shame occurs because it was protective feeling to survive, and belonging to a group was key to survival. So humans developed shame to help them survive and stay as an active member of a group. 

But even today, when people feel shame, they might wonder, what's wrong with me? Why do I feel like I don't belong or that I'm unworthy of love? Combating feelings of shame can be important to feeling like you belong. It's in combating those feelings of shame and saying, "I am worthy of love. I am worthy of belonging to a group." that you can start to take those steps into becoming part of a group. 

So how do you feel like you belong? What helps you feel like you belong? The answer is usually connection. A true sense of belonging and feeling truly seen is letting the people see your less polished sides or even your flaws. And it sometimes also means sharing similarities with with other people, whether that's a sense of humor or shared history. Sometimes feeling like you belong is just sharing a good laugh. 

I've felt the need to belong many times in my life. I definitely felt it after my mom died. When my mom died, I felt extremely lonely, and grief is really tiring, and I felt misunderstood, and I felt that no one could really understand my pain. And in many ways, they couldn't. But there was someone who understood almost as much as me, which was my brother, Chris. Chris and I shared this horrible experience with my mom's death, and he was able to support me in ways that other people weren't at the time. Because, you know, I was 22, Chris was 22, and most of my friends at the time were 22. 

And, while my friends showed up for me in the ways that they could, it wasn't quite in the ways that I needed at the time because at that age, people are discovering what they like and what they need in their lives. And if you haven't experienced grief at that point, it's hard for you to kind of conceptualize it. So, Chris was really there for me and helped me feel like I belonged when I felt like I didn't. And I did try to open up to some of my friends and be a little bit vulnerable. And, you know, it was nice that my friends tried to be there for me and helped me feel seen and heard even if I didn't feel like they quite understood. So for me, the need to belong was greatly influenced by grief, and it was a super isolating experience. But I was able to lean on my brother and be vulnerable with my friends in a way that helped me find support. 

Another time I felt the need to belong was after the pandemic. I had been extremely lonely during the pandemic because I lived alone and didn't see people in real life that often. And even though I wasn't truly forgotten about, I felt a little bit forgotten about. I felt because I wasn't in anybody's pods per se. I mean, I had some friends I would walk with and and that was awesome, but I wasn't, quote, part of anyone's pod. So I felt a little bit left out. 

So, after the pandemic, I really tried to find that sense of community. I joined improv, and and I tried to form community there, but I was having a little bit of trouble feeling like I belonged. I was expecting myself to slide in easily and make friends like I usually did, which sounds kind of weird to say, but I usually have no trouble making friends. But in improv, for the first time in my life, I suddenly had trouble making friends. 

And I'm not sure if it was because my social skills were rusty after the pandemic, or it's the fact that I was a little bit older because I was almost 30 at the time. I'm not quite sure, but it was hard for me to find those connections in improv. I felt less of a sense of belonging there and feeling like I didn't belong exasperated my feelings of loneliness. It took me a couple years in the improv community to find people who truly saw me. 

And I realized over time that I was kind of hiding myself and that probably was why I wasn't connecting with people as much. I was kind of putting on a front and, you know, there's a very jokey side of me, but there's also a deeper side with more depth. Not that jokes can't have depth, but I have, you know, a darker side, I guess, for lack of a better word. I'm not always happy. I'm not always joyful, and I'm not always friendly. There are moments when I feel deep sadness, and it's not that I needed to show that that sadness necessarily, but I need I did need to be a little bit more authentic and honest in my reactions and relations to people. 

And when I started opening up and being a little bit more vulnerable and true to myself, it was a lot easier for me to find people who I felt like I belonged with. And that was really nice. It was nice to feel like I belonged after the pandemic when I felt like I didn't. 

But if you try to force yourself to belong, it can make you feel unseen. One aspect of my life when I felt this way is in my teenage years when I pretended to be straight. I wanted to belong to a group where I felt like life would be easier. And despite growing up in New England, I had heard a story of two teenagers who were queer, who had been the targets of a hate crime. And I wanted to belong to a group where I felt safe. But the problem was, as I'm sure you can guess, is that when you try to fit in a group that you don't belong to, you don't generally actually feel like you fit in. 
And I don't have anything against straight people, of course. I just wasn't one of them. And so when I tried to feel straight, I felt like I wasn't tapping into a true part of myself or being seen by a community that felt similar to me. So, my need to fit in with the majority kind of robbed me of a part of identity of myself. And so, sometimes accepting and loving yourself helps you find where you belong more than trying to fit in. 

So accepting who you are, what you believe, and what you value can help you find your people and who you belong with more than trying to fit in with whatever you see as popular. Which is kind of cliche. But, you know, like, you have to like yourself and find yourself before you can find other people. And I don't think it's quite one way or the other. I think discovering who who you are is a lifelong journey. And it's nice to find those people who who can have community with and discover yourself with along the way. 
Alongside you, they can walk beside you. And for me, identifying with my queer identity helped me find people that I felt like I could grow with. 

The need to belong is human and it's rooted since humans were here. And sometimes when you go through something hard, the need to belong naturally intensifies. It's easier to be an island when things are going well. You might even trick yourself that you don't particularly need other people when things feel easy. But usually, when the storms of life hit, the need to belong feels heightened. Sometimes people might push their that need away. They might isolate and try to be on their own. 

And, you know, there's nothing wrong with a little bit of alone time. And also, in deep suffering, it's nice to have other people to help you hold that really heavy burden you're carrying. So, you know, sometimes when life gets really tough, people feel like they belong less, and that's why the need feels heightened at the time. 

So how can you find your circle of people? How can you feel like you belong? I mean, part of it is self-acceptance and figuring out who you are and what you believe in. And part of it is also allowing yourself to see that in other people. Connection is really when two people find the same frequency. You know that radios have frequency? Finding that connection is finding that same frequency with somebody else. It's finding that person that has a similar vibe where you feel like you connect. 

And so, while finding that vibe is really important and how can you start to do that? And, you know, it's kinda to be vulnerable, to be true to yourself, and to think of your values. It's also to get in touch with your pain because, you know, in the case of the pandemic or the grief after my mom died, getting in touch with that pain allowed me to know what I needed and how I could seek some support for it. Because finding the need to belong doesn't always have to be because of something traumatic, though. You know, you might just want to share a joke with someone. 
So it's finding those things that are important to you and then seeing them in other people and being willing to see them in people and have them see them in you and taking a tiny step to put yourself out there and see what comes back in return. 

You can find community in many ways, online communities or regularly meeting activities, or even talking to your neighbors. The truth is, anywhere there's people, there's a chance to find community. In this episode, I talked about the need to belong. 
I talked about it in terms of different groups like sexuality and in terms of some hardships like grief and the isolation of the pandemic. I mentioned that the need to belong is ingrained in ancient times and that that need often grows stronger when life feels difficult. 

Well, thanks so much for listening tonight. Follow me on Instagram @TheMidnightPhilosopher. I'm gonna go find my people talking about my values. Have a good night.