Episode 30: Grief around the Holidays

In this episode,

Lizzie examines the many forms of grief that can come up during the holidays, how to cope with these feelings, and how to take care of yourself in this moment.

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Post-pod questions to consider

What is one holiday tradition you want to keep going to remember a loved one who has passed? What is one new tradition you can start?

Episode Transcript

Hey. You're listening to Midnight Philosopher with Lizzie. Thanks for tuning in. Today, I'm going to talk about grief around the holidays. 

Grief can be from the death of a loved one, a breakup, or really a loss of any kind, including having a traumatic childhood and grieving the time you lost to abuse. And grief can be especially pronounced around the holidays. Holidays are marketed as a time for "happiness and cheer." So it can be really hard when you're "supposed" to feel happy when in fact you feel deeply sad. 

Grief can take many shapes. You might feel that your body is heavy. 
You might dissociate. You You might have an urge to self harm in some way. And the holidays are often the time when families get together, and this can be especially difficult for grief since even families who shared the same loss can grieve wildly differently. It can also be a difficult time if you see an abuser or if you're reminded of your ex. 

I've felt grief around the holidays many times. I lost one of my brothers. He didn't die but was and is so consumed by schizophrenia that I lost any hope that he will get better. I grew up with him. We opened presents together that Santa gave us. We decorated sugar cookies. We traded candy from our stockings. We played Diddy Kong racing together on Christmas morning. 

I have so many memories with this brother around the holidays. And so, I always feel the loss. The loss of what is and what could have been. I think of how life could have been different, how it should have been different, how it would have been different, but the shoulda, coulda, woulda isn't helpful for me to think of. It just digs the grief deeper into my body.

I can't help being reminded of my brother during the holidays, and I have to mourn. Even though I "should" be happy, I allow myself some time each holiday to reflect on my sadness I feel about my brother. And sometimes I feel guilty that I wasn't able to celebrate with him or that I wasn't able to celebrate the holidays I wanted or that I was celebrating when others couldn't, including my brother, or even that my melancholy mood might impact others having a good time. 

But I have to remind myself that guilt is a feeling you have when you've done something wrong, when you cross your boundaries or your values. And I thought about it, and I hadn't done anything wrong that went against my values. Me feeling sad does not cross a value or a boundary of mine. Me feeling sad is important to me and and it's okay to feel sad. And so, my guilt isn't justified because I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm just feeling sad, and sad isn't wrong to me. And so I could still acknowledge my sadness and acknowledge the happiness of others at the same time. Both can be true. I can be sad and be happy for people being happy. 

Another time I feel grief during the holidays is thinking about my mom. She died ten years ago, and when she died, many of the holiday traditions died with her. When I think of holidays, I think of her. How she cooked delicious food and got me extremely thoughtful presents, how we drink hot cocoa together and put candy canes in it, how she always got me Christmas pajamas or socks, and how my family was never the same after she passed. 

I try to honor her memory in some way on the holidays, whether that's writing a letter to her or buying myself a Christmas present that she might have gotten me or using the same hand lotion she used to use. I know she would want me to be happy, and I take a moment to reflect on all the ways I've grown over the past year and all the ways I'm continuing to make her proud. The first holidays after my mom died were horrible. I went back to my childhood home, which is where she died and was constantly reminded of all the things that weren't there anymore. My mom, her presence, her love, her love will always be there, but that first holiday, I felt so empty. I felt so numb, and I felt horrible, to be honest. 

The second year, my family went to Florida for the holidays, and that year, I was less numb and more able to feel my feelings. And to be honest, all I really remember from that vacation is just me crying a lot on the beach. And every year that's passed, I have to be honest, my grief didn't get better. Grief never gets better, but it does get different. As the years passed, I was able to hold my grief in a different way, in a better way to acknowledge my feelings, to find other things to occupy some of what was hollowed out in me when my mom died. I was able to identify my needs more and guess what I might need to do next. And so I was able to better take care of myself, though it was still hard. 

For example, one Thanksgiving, I spent alone. And that was really hard for me because I was just thinking about how other people were having so much fun, and I was not. So the next year, I had told this to my best friend, and the next year, he invited me to have Thanksgiving with his family. And I didn't really wanna go just because it wouldn't be the same. It wouldn't be like spending the holiday with my mom. But he convinced me and my therapist convinced me to go. And so I went and and I ended up having a good time. And I genuinely did. It felt good to be surrounded by people who cared about me. 

My grief was still there though. And when I saw his mom with his nephews, I had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom and cry because that was something my mom would never get to experience, and I'm painfully aware of that. She really wanted to be a grandma. She always joked about being a grandma with me, and it's just a pain point for me that she'll never get to do that. But I'm grateful that my friend and his mom have that, and I was grateful to be surrounded by people who cared about me even if my grief was still there. Grief is always there, but over time it gets more manageable. It gets easier to carry. 

And the third time that I feel felt grief over the holidays is being single. There's a reason that so many movies are about that. I feel the loss of not having someone to help me navigate the difficulties of the holidays with. Two of my brothers are married to my sisters-in-laws, and while I'm really happy for them, I do occasionally feel like the odd-one-out. I want someone to be there to hold my hand when my dad makes a joke I don't like, or I want someone to whisper to me after my brother wins a board game. I wanna share no one glances with someone, but I don't have that person, at least not yet, and I grieve that and I'm reminded of that over the holidays especially. 

Grief over the holidays is tough no matter why you feel it. So what can you do? First of all, acknowledge your feelings. Say I'm feeling sad right now, then validate your feelings. Say, it makes sense that I'm feeling this way. It makes sense that I'm feeling sad. Next, allow yourself some time to sit in the sadness. 
Cry if you can. Crying releases toxins in the body. And be honest with yourself. Say, this is really hard right now and I don't have to be pretend to be happy right now. You might have to pretend later in the day, but at this exact moment, it's okay for you to be sad and feel your feelings. 

After you feel your feelings, make a game plan to get through the rest of the day. Whether that's taking the dog for a walk when the family discussion gets too heated or scheduling a time to talk to a friend when others are cozied up with their partners. Maybe it's bringing back traditions from a loved one that passed or reminiscing about all the funny things they used to do. Maybe it's creating new traditions so that in the face of loss, there's something new growing in that hole. Or maybe it's setting boundaries and only talking to certain relatives for a set amount of time. Or even spending the day alone or with chosen family. 

Maybe it's saying "no shoulds" around the holidays. Holidays don't inherently have to be happy just because they're marketed to be so. It's okay to feel all your feelings around the holidays and not just the happy ones. 

In this episode, I talked about grief around the holidays and how there's many types of grief people feel. I talked about how it's important to feel your sadness and then make a plan to cope with the rest of the day. I talked about how sometimes guilt might crop up and it's important to re-examine if what you're doing actually crosses your values. The answer is usually no. 

Being sad doesn't usually cross a lot of people's values. So guilt is not justified. You can acknowledge the feeling is there and then tell yourself, but it's not justified in this moment. My guilt is there. I acknowledge it. I see it, but it doesn't make sense in the context of this moment. 

Well, thanks so much for listening tonight. Follow me on Instagram @TheMidnightPhilosopher. I'm going to have go have hot chocolate with candy canes to remember my mom now. Have a good night.