Episode 42: The Benefits of Constructive Anger

In this episode,

Lizzie explores the benefits of anger, one of the core emotions that gets a bad rap, and how to manage anger to keep it from being destructive.

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Post-pod questions to consider

What do you do to cool off when you are feeling too angry? How has anger motivated you to change?

Episode Transcript

Hey, you're listening to Midnight Philosopher with Lizzie. Thanks for tuning in. Today I'm going to talk about the benefits of anger. 

Anger is a really important emotion. It lets you know that something crossed one of your values or boundaries, and it's often a catalyst for change. Anger can be used constructively, but I think anger gets a bad reputation because it can also be used destructively. Anger leads to productive conversations, peaceful protests, and changed policies. Destructively, people may associate anger with yelling or even worse violence, which is never okay. Learning to channel anger into a constructive way is really important for helping making lasting change. 

I felt anger a lot in my life, and I've worked with clients who've experienced anger a lot. I worked with a five-year-old boy who would scream and throw things and occasionally hit his mom when he was feeling angry. In session, the kid and I worked a lot on giving him the language he needed to express his anger. We practiced saying, I feel mad, I feel frustrated, and I need space. 

These communication skills helped my client use his anger in a productive way to get the change he needed. We talked about how his anger made sense. We talked in kid-friendly terms how trauma responses are, fight, flight, freeze, and fawn, and how anger often gets stuck in a fight response. And we talked about him giving himself some space to cool off so that he could then have a discussion with his mom about what happened in what bothered him. 

I also worked with his mom to help him with these skills since regulating emotions at that age is often a team effort between the child and caregiver. Over time, he was able to say that he was mad or needed space, which kept his body safe and kept him from escalating to throwing toys. He had a cozy corner in his house, which was a blanket over a desk that he could go sit in until he felt that his body was calm enough to have a conversation. He was then able to use anger constructively as a communication tool. 

Another client that I worked with was an adult woman who hated therapists. I asked her early on if she had other experiences with therapy and what they were like. She told me that she had awful experiences in the past. I told her that if I wanted that, I wanted her to let me know if I did anything that bothered her and, and I asked her if she thought she could do that, and she said yes. 

My main takeaway with working with this client was that she was super smart and deserved consent like every client for when I was going to use a therapeutic technique with her. So I got in the habit of asking her if she wanted me to tell her how her behavior might have been a trauma response or if she wanted me to tell her what other clients in her situation have found helpful. I asked her consent because consent is often really important in not crossing people's boundaries. Later, this client told me that she saw her old therapist at the grocery store and she cursed her out. We talked about if this anger was helpful for my client. She said it felt good at the time, but made people look at her funny in the store. 

We then talked about ways she could channel her anger, such as advocating to the system she was part of to get her needs met, and she agreed that she needed to advocate for her children's educational needs to their teachers. So we talked away about ways she could constructively use her anger to get her needs met rather than cause her more harm. 

Finally, I felt a lot of anger in my life too. Anger is a normal emotion that everyone experiences. For a while I liked to joke to my therapist that I was allergic to anger, but instead of externalizing my anger, I ended up internalizing it. I didn't express anger at others, but I constantly felt angry and disappointed with myself. This led to behaviors like self-sabotaging. 

In order to work on my anger, my therapist had me acknowledge when it was there. She then had me do a distracting activity until my anger decreased, and then she had me come back to the feeling and think through a way that I could use the anger to motivate me. I ended up making a lot of art. And for more on this, you can check out Episode 3: the Importance of Making Art. 

So how can you recognize if you're feeling angry? And what can you do to help you to use your anger constructively rather than destructively. First, you can recognize how you feel in your body. For example, do you feel tense in your jaw or your hands balled up in defense? Are you clenching your muscles? Do you feel a pit in your stomach? Start to recognize the cues your body gives when you're angry. 

Next, rate your anger on a scale of 1, which is being not angry to 10, which is being really, really irate. Start to identify when anger feels manageable and when it starts to feel out of control. You might find that you're able to effectively communicate when your anger is at a 3, but you are no longer to be effective when your anger is at a 7. If you can effectively, communicate your need or boundary, do so. 

But if you can't take some space or break until your anger is back down to the level that you're able to communicate to take space or a break, you could go for a walk, listen to music, play with a pet, draw a picture, go to a safe space like a cozy corner or a coffee shop, distract yourself with funny videos or smell something you really enjoy like lotion. And after you've cooled off a bit, go back to the source of your anger and effectively communicate. 

It's important to realize that anger is motivation for change and that you have a right to stand up for your respect and values. It's also important to remember that you have to effectively communicate so that others can listen to you and meet the needs you need met. 

In this episode, I talked about anger. I talked about the importance of recognizing anger, taking space, advocating for needs, and neither externalizing nor internalizing destructive anger. I talked about how some of the skills you can use to identify your anger, such as where you feel it in your body and scaling it between 1 and 10. I talked about how to practice taking space or taking a break until your anger is at a level where you can effectively communicate. 

Well, thanks so much for listening tonight. I'm gonna go for a walk so I can come back to my anger after. Have a good night.