Episode 1: Shame

In this episode,

Lizzie explains why we feel shame, the difference between everyday shame and toxic shame, and how humor and self-compassion can be an antidote to shame.

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Post-pod questions to consider

Did something in this episode resonate with you? Is there something in your life you feel toxic shame about?

Episode Transcript

Hey, you're listening to Midnight Philosopher with Lizzie. Thanks for tuning into my first episode. Okay, that was kind of an annoying way to say episode. I do admit it. I am kind of annoyed with the way I said episode there. Anyway, today I'm going to talk about shame. Shout out Brene Brown and her research. Shout out Brene. Hi Brene. Brene and I are on a first name basis. We're definitely not, we're definitely not even close. She has no idea who I am, but I love you, Brene. 

Anyway. Shame is an interesting emotion for me, and I think for a lot of people because I feel a lot of toxic shame, but I don't feel the everyday shame. I really should feel like I don't feel as embarrassed by things as I should feel. But I do feel a lot of toxic shame. 

And, and for those of you who would like a refresher, Ooh, pick me. Pick me. I want a refresher. Yes, you in the back. Shame is what indicates you'll be banished from a group. So it's kind of like if you do something in a group outcasts, you, you might feel shame and, and it's a protective emotion to keep that from happening. It's to keep you within a group. So it has to do with other people. But toxic shame is usually from trauma. Toxic shame is that kind of heavy feeling that you are bad. 

It's not that you did something bad, but you yourself are bad. So for example, let's say you peed your pants in elementary school, shame would say, oh, you should clean that up before coming back to the group. You did a bad, you know, you made a mistake, you did a bad thing, you toxic shame would say, you peed your pants. 
You are a bad person. You should be not happy with yourself. So those are, those are kind of, that's kinda the difference between everyday shame and toxic shame. And I really should feel everyday shame so much more than I do. 

Let me give you some examples. I was at a coffee shop with my brothers, their partners, Danny and Nikki, my best friend Ben, and, and our family friend Sean. And we all got in line, we were talking about what we wanted.I was getting an iced tea because it was really hot out. We had walked a long way. And I was like, yes, iced tea. It is. But as we got to the front of the line, the barista said, oh, she, she was actually here first. And the barista pointed to this woman. She was kind of a young woman in the corner with a furrowed brow. I really wanted to say furrowed brow. She just looked kind of uncomfortable and like, like we cut her, because we did. 

Anyway, most of my family had a normal reaction and they kind of just like mumbled an apology, walked to the side. But I instead said, "oh, I, I'm so sorry I didn't see you there. You can punch me in the face if you'd like." And this woman was so taken aback, the color drained from her face, and she just responded, "no, no, that's okay. Thanks. That that's all right." And, and in that moment, I should have felt shame. And my family was so embarrassed, but I thought it was so funny. I just told this random woman in this coffee shop to punch me in the face just like I don't know her. What if she actually punched me in the face? I just thought the thing was so funny. 

And, and my family was like, Lizzie, you, you can't, you can't do stuff like that. And I was like, I know, but it's so funny. It's so funny. I thought it was hilarious. I still think it's kind of funny and I still should feel shame about it. Here's another example. I got dinner with my friend the other night. We went to a pizza place. We had a good conversation. It was really nice, but it was extremely warm in this pizza place. And I was, I was feeling uncomfortable because I was so warm, but, you know, still had a good time. 

Then we went and walked around for a while. We were looking for an ice cream place. We tried three different locations, spoiler alert, ice cream closes early in Boston, I guess. So that was a disappointment. We hugged goodbye. And then I decided that was the perfect moment to say, "I'm sorry I sweated profusely during dinner." To which she was like, "what? No, I didn't even, I didn't even notice that," to which I was like, "oh, okay, let's never talk about this again." And I know I should have felt shame for that. I should really have been like, oh, that's so uncomfortable. But I still think it's kind of a funny reaction to, to have when you're saying goodbye to your friend. Like, I'm sorry I sweated profusely. That's so funny. 

But, I know, I should be embarrassed by something like that. And the thing is, my shame, my shamelessness, my lack of embarrassment goes, goes back pretty far all the way into to high school, honestly. So one time my softball team had a team training trip to Disney World, which was awesome. We had so much fun. We, it was such a good time to play softball and Disney. 

But the one day we were chilling on the beach, we were just having a good time. And one of my teammates goes, "oh my God, those guys are so hot." And she was pointing to this group of very attractive lacrosse players just down the beach from us who were also here on spring training. And I was like, "I have an idea." And they were like, "oh, I just really, I just really wanna talk to him." I was like, "no, let me handle this. I got it." 

So I started to slowly army crawl across the beach towards these very attractive guys. And my team looked at me and they were kind of horrified and kind of intrigued, like, what, what is Lizzie doing and what's gonna happen next? And then these lacrosse guys, I saw them slowly swivel their heads all at one time and watch me army crawl across the beach. And there was this moment of silence between both teams as I traversed the beach. 

I wanted to say the word traversed because they were all just like, what is going, what is she doing? And then I got to the lacrosse guys and I was like, "Hey, I'm Lizzie, nice to meet you. My team wants to chat." And my team came over and they exchanged numbers. And, and that was that. And you know what? Because I have no shame. My teammates got numbers of very attractive lacrosse guys. 
Some of them did. And I would just like to say not being embarrassed has its moments. And I still think that's a funny story, 20 years later. 

So I don't know, I think my humiliation is funny. It's just always been kind of a, a thing that really, that I find very humorous. But I think that normal shame can be humorous. And I think that normal shame, a way to cope with normal shame is humor. But I think that toxic shame can't be coped with with humor. 

And I wish it could. I wish it could. I wish I could funny my way out of that horrible feeling inside me. But toxic shame is like rotting moss in a tree. You're the tree and there's rotting moss inside you. And humor can't scrape that moss away. And I hate to admit it, it makes me feel so gross to say it. 

But actually the thing that scrapes that moss away is compassion. Is having compassion to yourself is saying, "Lizzie, I love you. No matter what you've been through or what you've done, I still love you and I think you're a good person." And it's kind of that kind of gross compassion that actually is the way to handle that Toxic shame, I think shame's interesting because, you know, every day shame uses a good amount of humor to, to get rid of it. 

And then toxic shame uses compassion. And it's really like humor and toxic and humor and compassion have to hold hands in order to combat shame. And I think that's kind of a cool thought, like humor and compassion. You can't have one without the other because both are needed to take care of shame. Both are needed to help you heal. I just, you know, for years would not wanna feel my emotions and just wanna feel funny. But unfortunately, I realized that that was only handling the embarrassment that I should feel. 

But it wasn't handling the toxic shame that was sitting in me from what I've been through. And that's when I was like, all right, to my own therapist, I was like, all right, you're right. I'll be compassionate. I'll try it. And it, and it, it kinda worked. So here's my plug for, for humor and compassion. 

Well, thanks everyone. That's my show. I really appreciate you listening to this. I should get off the air before I rip my pants and think it's hilarious and everyone else is like embarrassed. 
Alright, have a good night.