Episode 12: Jealousy vs. Envy

In this episode,

In this episode, Lizzie tackles the difference between jealousy and envy, how these core emotions actually tell us something important, and how to keep them from becoming overpowering.

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Post-pod questions to consider

Can you think of a time recently when you felt jealous or envious? What do you think the emotion was trying to tell you?

Episode Transcript

Hey, you are listening to Midnight Philosopher with Lizzie. Thanks for tuning in today.

I'm going to talk about jealousy and envy. Now, those two things sound really, really similar, and they are similar, but there is a slight distinction between the two. So jealousy is when you're afraid someone will take what you have, but envy is wanting what someone else has. 

So let me give you an example. You might be jealous when your partner is talking to someone attractive because you're worried that attractive person will "take your partner away." However, you might be envious that someone got a new house and you want that house to be your house. 

Jealousy and envy are part of the core emotions that everyone feels from time to time. Sometimes, you know, they get a bad rap, but in a lot of people pretend like, oh, I'm not jealous, or, oh, I don't have envy. But the truth is, they're one of the ten essential emotions, the ten core emotions, they're two of those ten core emotions. 

So everybody feels them from time to time, and I think they get a bad rap because in excess they can be pretty harmful and hurtful to relationships and to, yeah, to interpersonal relationships for sure. But they're not inherently hurtful and actually can be quite helpful. Let me give you a few examples. 

So I've definitely felt both jealous and envious many times in my life. And one time I felt pretty envious was recently I was at this street performance music festival thing. It's called Porch Fest. It's pretty cool. People play in bands on porches in a neighboring town to where I live. And you know, I was looking around and I just noticed there were all these couples and they were all holding hands, or they were kissing, or they were laughing together. 

And I know you never really know what's going on in someone's life and what looks like a happy couple might not actually be a happy couple. But I still felt envy because I wish I had that I wish I had a partner to hold hands with. I wish I had a partner to laugh about the cover band playing the Grateful Dead or someone to whisper jokes. When we looked around at all the drunk kids together, you know, I was feeling envious because it was telling me something. 

My envy was actually telling me that this was a goal of mine, that having a partner is a goal of mine, and that's why I was feeling envy. So it was actually really useful for me and, and a helpful emotion for me to feel at that time. And so that was a time I felt envious.

So here's, here's a time I felt jealous. Now, this might seem like a silly example, and it seems kind of meaningless, but it did. It was a real time. I felt jealousy. So I have three dogs and a cat. I love them so much. And I have this one dog, Twix and Twix is adorable. She's probably a pit bull boxer mix, I'm not quite sure. Very cute. Love her to death. Anyway, Twix is very friendly with gets, she loves my family and friends. 

Now, Twix and I have a really close bond, and I know Twix loves me the most, but sometimes when she's getting pets from my families and friends, or when she's cozied up on the couch with them, I do feel a twinge of jealousy, because I'm thinking like, wait a minute, Twix, you're my dog. You guys can't have my dog. And this jealousy is actually useful for me. And it's telling me that Twix is really important to me. 

So sometimes jealousy is just something that kind of tells you, yeah, this thing is really important to me. I don't wanna lose it. And I know maybe using my dog is a silly example, but I really love my animals like they mean the world to me. And so I actually do feel kind of jealous when Twix is giving my friends and family a little bit more attention than me. And the way I repair this is I just spend some extra time with Twix once they leave and we reestablish our bond and make sure everything's good. 

And that, you know, is an example with a dog, but it could also apply to a human relationship. Let's say your partner has a lot of friends and you throw a party and your partner's talking to all these people and having a great time, and you're happy for your partner, but you're a little jealous they're not spending time with you. And then to repair that, after the party, you and your partner spend time joking about all the funny things that happened at the party, and you establish that reconnection. Jealousy just lets you know that something's important to you. 

However, excess jealousy is definitely a problem in relationships. And excess jealousy is pretty toxic and actually quite abusive. So when jealousy goes from a feeling to actions when jealousy becomes possession, possessiveness or anything like that, it's actually quite a big problem. And so, yes, everyone does feel envy, everyone does feel jealousy, but it's just kind of not letting those emotions then take over you and, and your actions. 

And there's another time I felt envious is when I meet people without mental health struggles. And look, I'm happy for them. I just also wish it was me. I wish I didn't have mental health struggles because they're a big pain, to be honest. They really impact my life and make things really difficult. 

In the case of me seeing someone without mental health struggles, I try to remind myself that just because they might not struggle with the things that I struggle with doesn't mean that their life is easy because everyone has problems. 

And then I go a step further and I say, even if my life is more difficult than theirs in comparison, in my mind it doesn't actually matter because pain is pain. When someone is in pain, it hurts and everyone experiences pain. And if you've never broken your arm, then stubbing your toe is going to really hurt. 

In this case, my envy kind of helped me grow some compassion for others because yes, do I want to have no mental health problems like they do, of course, but can I also kind of see that where they're coming from and their life? Yes. 

So feelings such as jealousy and envy are there for a reason. Envy kind of tells you when you're trying to set a goal and jealousy tells you when something's important to you or something that you value. And although these emotions get a bad reputation, they're pretty helpful. And yes, of course, if they're excessive, it's problematic. It's super problematic if they're excessive. 

And a good way to keep jealousy and envy in check is too, acknowledge that they're there and give yourself some reassurance by looking at the evidence of a situation. For example, I was envious of all the couples at, at that porch fest, but I have the ability to be in a couple if I put the work in. And so if I check the evidence in that situation and I say, you know, this is a goal of mine, but it's an attainable goal of mine, that helps me feel a little less envious of the people who are there. 

Or in the situation when I was jealous with Twix hanging with other other people, I can reassure myself that I know Twix and I share a really special bond. And it's great that she's really friendly with other people. And, and even though I'm envious of people who don't have mental health struggles, I'm aware that generating compassion for all people is really important to me. 

And so it's okay to feel those feelings of envy and jealousy. And it's also really important to give yourself some reassurance. It's okay to reassure yourself and, and say that, yeah, you know, you can reach your goals or, you know, you are, you do have a special bond with that person. 

Well, thanks so much for listening to my podcast tonight. I'm gonna go be envious of my neighbor's new car. Have a good night.