Episode 9: Frustration Tolerance

In this episode,

Lizzie tackles the concept of frustration tolerance, why we struggle without it, and how we can strengthen it. Tune in to learn how to overcome life's frustrating moments.

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Post-pod questions to consider

How do you handle frustration? Did this episode give you any ideas for the future?

Episode Transcript

Hey, you're listening to Midnight Philosopher with Lizzie. Thanks for tuning in. Today, I'm gonna talk about frustration tolerance.

Frustration is when you get kind of annoyed at something, you know when something is just irking you and you're frustrated by it, you're annoyed by it, and tolerance is learning to cope with that annoyance. So frustration tolerance is, it's basically a skillset. It's how much frustration you can handle before you quote unquote freak out or have a meltdown or whatever word you wanna use there. 

When I was a child therapist, I worked with a lot of kids on their frustration tolerance. And in fact, this is actually one of the areas that kids came to therapy to work on the most. A kid's parent might tell me that their kids start screaming when the kid doesn't get what they want. And the parent is usually annoyed and, and says something along the lines of like, my kid's a spoiled whatever. And I know that that kid is actually just having a really hard time with frustration tolerance that kid can't frustrate, can't tolerate getting what they don't what they want. So they get frustrated and increasingly frustrated, and then they start screaming. 

So another example of this might be a kid's teacher tells me, I just have no idea, but this kid hit this other kid in the class because he took away this kid's scissors. And I would think, oh, okay. This kid needs to work on his frustration tolerance, too. He was frustrated when his goal was stopped and this other kid took the scissors and that, and he didn't have the skills to cope with that frustration. So instead of talking himself through it, he hit this other kid. 

So I often play games in therapy with kids to help them increase their frustration tolerance. The games are not just games, they're, they're there. I used them for a reason. So I got really, really, really good. I'm pretty proud of this. I got really good at Connect Four. I was so good at Connect Four that I could pretty much win almost any game. And so losing games is a really good way for kids to practice their frustration tolerance. So they'd come to session to me, they'd come to session with me, and I'd just win game after game of Connect Four. 

And they, I could see them growing in frustration and frustration and frustration, but the key was to make it fun. And I always tell kids, I tell them right up front, I say, just because you're a kid, I'm not gonna go easy on you. I came here to win today, and I talk a big game, and then I do win. And when the kid loses and they start to get a little upset, I try to talk them through it. I say, you know, the cool thing about games is you always have another chance. There's always another game to play. It's never the last game. You can always win again. Do you wanna try? Do you wanna try again? Maybe you can win this time, maybe, but again, I'm not gonna go easy on you. 

And when a kid legitimately plays enough Connect Four with me to win, and you know, the look on their face, the look of triumph is so cute and unbelievable. And then I know that their frustration tolerance has increased because while they were in the process of losing, they had to cope with their feelings. They had to cope enough to get into their thinking brain so that they could then win. 

So a good skill to counteract frustration tolerance is actually perseverance. Believing that if you keep doing something over and over, you're gonna get better at it. Because frustration tolerance usually comes from a place of thinking, this is it. I'm never gonna do this thing. I'm never gonna be good at this. And perseverance tells you, no, you keep, you keep trying, you keep trying, you keep pushing yourself, you will get better. So that's a really good way to counteract frustration tolerance. 

Personally, I've definitely exhibited low frustration tolerance from time to time, despite teaching kids in therapy how to lose gracefully. I myself, am a pretty sore loser sometimes, especially when I'm playing board games with my family and friends. I once lost a game of, to my best friend, Ben. And I basically shut down. I was such a grumpy cat, and I responded to Ben with these very short terse responses, and I really didn't engage Ben in very much conversation. And this is an example where I personally needed to work on my frustration tolerance for me, in this case, the frustration of losing this game outweighed the fun I had playing it. And that's on me. That's a skill I need to develop. But everyone feels frustration tolerance sometimes. 

Another time I had low frustration tolerance was when I was in my early twenties. Friends would complain to me about, I don't know which career to choose, and I don't know who to date. And, you know, very age appropriate, normal struggles. The thing is, for a little bit of context, my mom had just died, and I didn't have the frustration tolerance to listen to my friends' real and valid complaints because I was also the same age also trying to figure out what career to do and who to date, and all the same things. But I was also dealing with this very overwhelming grief. 

And it made me, it made it hard for me to relate to my friends because they were just going through what I called "normal people problems." But my own therapist helped me learn to cope with my frustration tolerance, because it was important to me to be a good friend. And I knew that my bitterness towards people would only alienate them from me. And although my therapist, who is the absolute best, I love my therapist, although she didn't use the term frustration tolerance with me, that's exactly what she was helping me increase. She had me examine my motivations and validated my feelings, and helped me realize that I was getting pretty frustrated, and this frustration wasn't helping me. 

Frustration tolerance is a widely important skill to develop. It helps people get resiliency and strength to face while really, really annoying situations. Some things that help increase frustration tolerance are having fun, being playful and, and validating feelings. When someone is having a good time and being playful, these feelings of joy, joy often counteract, counteract the frustration bubbling beneath the surface. The joy makes the annoyance more tolerable. 

Validating feelings is also really help helpful to help quiet that anger you have to acknowledge your feelings. It's like, imagine frustration is this little creature in the corner. It's hiding in the shadows, but the more you ignore it, the bigger and bigger frustration gets. So that's when you say, "Hey, frustration come outta the shadows. I see you." And when frustration comes out of the shadows, it doesn't get bigger. It stays the same size, or even get smaller. It's helpful to know when frustration's there, because then you can use your skills to help calm yourself down and regulate you. 

Well, thanks for tuning in tonight. I'm gonna go validate my feelings when I get stuck in traffic now. Have a good night.