Episode 18: Navigating Conflict

In this episode,

Lizzie shares some examples of healthy and unhealthy conflict, how to practice effective communication and vulnerability, and how to recognize unhealthy conflict and abusive relationships.

Listen now

Listen on Spotify

Post-pod questions to consider

How do you handle conflict? What steps can you take to be better able to navigate conflict with your loved ones?

Episode Transcript

Hey. You're listening to Midnight Philosopher with Lizzie. Thanks for tuning in. Today, I'm going to talk about navigating conflict. 

Conflict occurs in almost all relationships, especially close relationships. And conflict generally occurs when two or more people are at odds with each other for an unmet need. This is especially true in romantic relationships, but is also true with parent-child relationships. 

For example, when a toddler has a tantrum, that toddler is expressing that they need something that maybe they're verbally not able to express yet and their need is not being met. And, some conflict is not handled as effectively. And, I think, conflict gets a bad rap because, at its most extreme, conflict can can be abusive. You know, yelling or, you know, hitting or something, that is abuse. 

But conflict doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. Conflict can actually help and make a relationship grow stronger. It's just how do we effectively deal with conflict and how do we effectively meet the needs of people we're talking to. So, I'll give a few examples from my own life. 

I was dating this woman for a couple months and we were pretty different in a lot of ways. Religiously, she identified as a witch and I identified as not religious. I liked to go out and do things and she was more of a homebody. But none of these factors necessarily on their own would have caused conflict. But I began to feel kind of annoyed at her. And don't get me wrong, she was kind and funny and cute. But I just didn't feel like my needs were being met, and she didn't feel like her needs were being met. 

She was a great person, and she needed a lot of alone time. And alone time is great, and I always found myself taking it personally and feeling rejected when she took space. And as an anxious person, I needed a bit of reassurance that she just wanted some her time and then that it wasn't personal. So that was my unmet need, and she expressed that I wanted to hang out too much and do too many things. So her unmet need was needing more individual space. 

Now, we could have navigated this conflict a little more effectively, but we did not. We did not handle it badly, but the way we navigated it was to express that we thought we were looking for different things in the relationship. I expressed that I wanted to go out and do things and she expressed that she was a homebody and did not want to do things. And through this communication, we came to the conclusion that we should break up. In another situation, we might have been able to work things out if we had expressed our feelings behind our needs, but more on this later. 

Another time that I had to navigate conflict was with my best friend, Ben. Ben invited me to his family for Thanksgiving, which was so kind of him, and I was gonna spend Thanksgiving alone, and it was really awesome that he invited me. And I initially said, yes, but then I decided that a long car trip was the perfect time to back out of that plan. And Ben got a little offended, rightfully so, and we had a few moments and then he was able to express that he needed some space and quiet, which was awesome. That's a great way to handle conflict is to say you need space. So we drove in silence for about 20 minutes. To say you need space, but then to come back to it later. So we drove in silence for about 20 minutes and then we decided we were ready to talk. 

We had cooled off a bit and we were able to discuss what was really going on for both of us. I was able to say that I really appreciated his invite, but I was also really missing my mom and wish I could spend the holiday with her. Although, of course, I couldn't. She had passed away years ago. And Ben said that he was really looking forward to me spending time with him and his family, and we were able to work through our feelings underlying our words, and I did end up going to Ben's for Thanksgiving and I did have a great time. 

There was a moment there where I did miss my mom, but the truth is I knew what spending Thanksgiving alone was like. I had done it the year before and it didn't make me feel any closer to my mom. And I think me spending it with my best friend and his family and making new memories for the occasion was really meaningful for me and was in a way a way for me to connect to my mom. 

And, the third time I navigated conflict was when my family when a family member of mine was drinking too much, just consistently drinking too much. It wasn't a one time thing. I was feeling frustrated and I confronted him with not as much empathy as I probably could have and we actually did start yelling at each other and which many of you know is an an ineffective way to handle conflict. 

It's ineffective because it puts people out of their thinking brains and into fight or flight mode. When you're yelling at somebody, you're in fight mode and that is not a helpful way to navigate conflict because you need to be in your thinking brain to navigate conflict and when you're pushed into fight or flight mode, you're not able to access that area of your brain where you can make rational decisions. 

So, this was a conflict that lasted for a long time. My family member would try to hide his drinking from me, but I always knew he was drinking too much because he was just a different person when he drank. I just felt really disconnected from him. Eventually, when he was ready and I was so thankful, he stopped drinking And it took a long time after that, maybe even a couple years, to mend this conflict of the relationship after the rupture we had experienced. But we were able to slowly build things back piece by piece, by showing up for each other, by being kind, by being empathetic, and by apologizing. 

So, in these examples, you can see that underlying many conflicts are actually just strong feelings of sadness or fear. And there are some definitely more effective ways to handle conflict and less effective ways to handle conflict, but conflict in and of itself is not bad. It's actually what happens after the conflict that can either help a relationship or hinder a relationship. So the first step to navigating conflict is to ask yourself what you're really feeling. 

So, for me, in the first example, I was worried that if I never spent time with the woman I was dating that we'd never form a strong enough bond and if we didn't form a strong enough bond, I wouldn't feel connected to her. Worrying is a form of fear. So, in that case, I was feeling fear. 

And the example with Ben, I was feeling grief. I was feeling grief about my mom and grief is just great sadness. And in the third example, I was worried about my family member and missing who he used to be and that is both a form of fear and sadness. Conflict usually arises from an unmet need that is surrounded by feelings of fear and sadness. 

So I'm talking about healthy conflict, and a little bit later, I'll talk about a cycle of abuse and how that is unhealthy conflict. But in healthy conflict, there are three main steps to help you navigate it. First is to figure out how you're feeling and really figure it out. Generally, you're probably feeling scared or sad. It may come out as anger, but underneath that, there's usually a fear, a worry, or a sadness, or grief that's there. So, you figure out what you're really feeling. 

And then the next step is to kindly and vulnerably express your feeling and your unmet need to the other person. For example, to the woman I was dating, I could have said, I'm worried if we don't hang out that I won't feel as connected and feeling connected is really important to me. And she might have had more empathy instead of jumping to the conclusion that I was clingy and trying to take her autonomy away. 

And after expressing yourself, the third step is to reach a compromise with the other person once they've expressed their needs and feelings. So, step one, find out what you're feeling and your need is, really your real true feeling, not anger, What's underneath that? Step two is to express that need in a vulnerable, authentic, and kind way and the third step is to reach compromise after the person the other person expresses their feelings and their needs in a kind and thoughtful way. So, that's a healthy conflict. 

There is unhealthy conflict, and that is often perpetuated by a cycle of abuse. And I'm just going to briefly talk about that here because I think it's important for people to know the difference between healthy conflict and unhealthy conflict. So a cycle of abuse, there'll usually be, like, a honeymoon period where everything is kind of great and then the abuse will occur and that'll be really scary. Then the person will apologize. There'll be a period of honeymoon phase again, then the abuse will occur, and then the person will apologize, and it's a repeating pattern. 

And I think that's important to know unhealthy conflict is often a repeated pattern. Healthy conflict is often one where the pattern changes. Healthy conflict is when people intentionally make differences and changes to their behavior. But unhealthy conflict is a cycle that is stuck. And if you find yourself in that cycle, it can be really scary and really, like, really scary. So it makes sense why conflict gets a bad rap, but conflict is actually, in most cases, healthy for a healthy relationship. 

So, to recap, in this episode, I talked about navigating conflict and the times that I've had to do so. I talked about the steps of navigating conflict, which are to recognize your feelings and needs, express your feelings and needs in a way that feels vulnerable and authentic and it's usually a feeling of fear or sadness. And then the third step is to compromise once both people have expressed their feelings and needs. 

A key here is also not to make assumptions. Don't assume you know what the other person is thinking and don't assume they know what you're thinking. Effective communication can be really difficult for a lot of reasons, but vulnerability is really challenging. Saying you're scared or sad is much more difficult than expressing anger, which is often an emotion that masks fear or sadness. But it's through having honest conversations that actually brings people together. 

Thanks so much for listening. Follow me on Instagram at TheMidnightPhilosopher. I'm gonna go think about what I'm needing out of my relationships now. Have a good night.