Episode 20: Setting Expectations

In this episode,

Lizzie tackles the 'S' word - should - and dives into setting expectations, with friends, with family, and with herself, so you can understand how to set more realistic expectations to live by.

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Post-pod questions to consider

What is one area of your life in which you often use the word "should"? Is it helpful for you? Might there be a better way to frame an expectation to be more realistic and useful for you?

Episode Transcript

Hey, you're listening to the Midnight Philosopher with Lizzie. Thanks for tuning in. Today, I'm going to talk about setting expectations. 

Setting expectations is often ascribing certain fixed beliefs that a relationship or situation should be a certain way. If you notice yourself using the word 'should,' it should it should be a warning sign. It makes sense to be weary if you find yourself saying, "well, it should be this way or I should be doing that." Because in that situation, it's probably helpful to notice what is rather than what should be, and that's really important for expectations, noticing what is rather than what should be.

And setting expectations isn't inherently bad. For example, expecting to be treated with dignity and respect is really important. However, if you expect to be treated like the royal King  - Queen of England sorry, there's no king - If you expected to be treated like the royal Queen of England, that might be impeding on your relationships a little bit. So it's all about finding that sweet spot of realistic expectations. 

I've struggled a lot with setting expectations, especially in relationships. Sometimes, I expect too much from people and other times, I don't expect enough. A couple of years ago, I was friends with this guy in improv, let's call him Phil. Phil and I hung out, like, at least once a week and sometimes more. And I was feeling really lonely since the pandemic, and just really wanted a few more friends. So I had low expectations for new friendships. And to be honest, I was basically, like, yeah, if I'm hanging out with this person, we might as well be friends. 

But I never really felt good in my body when I hung out with Phil. I often felt myself dissociating when I was with him. And my other friends, who I like, closer friends who I would talk to about Phil were kinda like, "I don't know about that guy, Lizzie. Like, he doesn't sound like he's treating anybody really well." But my low expectations kept me stuck in this friendship. 

So Phil was, in my opinion, really obsessed with another woman we did improv with, and this woman had told Phil and me and a group of other people that she was in a relationship. So being what I thought was a good friend, I brought it up to Phil later in the car and, like, kind of encouraged him to move on, like, "Hey, it looks like she's dating someone, like, you know, there's plenty of fish in the sea, etcetera, etcetera." And, something in Phil snapped, and he started violently punching the ceiling of my car and yelling profanities at me and just into the general air. Sorry if that should have been a trigger warning. 

Anyway, that's when I realized that my expectations for this friendship were way too low, because just hanging out with someone isn't enough. Someone has to earn my trust and respect. And after that, I greatly changed my expectations for friendship. I focused on my values in friendship, which is a big one is mutuality and respect. My friendship with Phil, I did not feel was very mutual. It was mostly him talking to me about this other woman, and I didn't feel it was very respectful, especially that time in the car. So that was a time my expectations were too low. 

A time my expectations were too high in a relationship is when I kind of just kind of wish the world revolved around me. Like, when I was feeling down about my career, I kind of just wanted all my family and friends to give me all their time and attention, and I kind of expected them to sense that I was struggling and to know what to say. However, this is an unfair expectation to put on them. I neither directly communicated what I needed from them nor told them exactly how I was feeling. I basically expected them to read my mind. And, newsflash, no one can do that, not even me. That's a joke. I could probably read my own mind. 

But, anyway, this was a time when I needed to lower my expectations and remember that everyone is a person with their own life and own struggles. And their world doesn't revolve around me, and they can't always show up for me in the ways that I want, especially if I don't directly communicate that to them. So in this case, directly communicating what I needed and wanted from my family and friends would have really helped have realistic expectations. 

And a third time I had to shift my expectations was actually with myself. I expected myself, despite my disabilities and trauma history, to hold down a full-time social work job. And it's not just any job. Social work jobs are highly emotionally taxing, and, I love my clients, but, of course, most of them had extensive trauma histories, which would bring up things for myself. 

And so as much as I wanted to and thought I should be able to hold down a full-time social work job, I was able to. I was able to do so and push through. However, this was at the detriment to my own happiness and health, especially my mental health. Because at work, I could show up, I could work 40 hours a week and do all the things I was supposed to do, but then when I came home at night, I just wanted to go to sleep. I wasn't living a full life, I was not living the life I wanted to be living. And so I had to adjust my expectations to realistically encompass my abilities at the time. 

It was really difficult for me to face that the expectations of myself weren't actually what I was able to do, that my expectations were different than my reality. And it was even more difficult for me to admit that I had disabilities that were impacting my functioning. You know, it's really it was really hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I actually do have disabilities, and that I needed to take that into account. But with the help of my therapist, I was able to start to come to terms with the fact that I was struggling. And I went on part-time medical leave, which I didn't even know was a thing, to be honest. So I worked part time, and the other part of my check came in from the Family Medical Leave Act. 

And acknowledging that, reevaluating my expectations, and only working part-time, I felt so much happier and healthier, and I gave myself the accommodations I needed to be successful in both my job and my personal life. So, readjusting my expectations in this case helped me have the personal life I was hoping to have or more so at least. 

So you might be asking yourself, how do you set realistic expectations? I think it's really important to make a list of non-negotiables for yourself. For example, for me, being treated with kindness, dignity, and respect is really important. And in the example with Phil, had I held held true to my value of having mutually fulfilling relationships, I probably wouldn't have given him the time of day. 

So it's really important to know your values, and it's also really important to know how you deserve to be treated. People with low self-esteem might find themselves having lower expectations for relationships because they feel that's what they deserve. But I'm here to tell you that literally everyone deserves respect and kindness no matter who they are, and that includes you. 

On the other side of having realistic expectations, it's important to come from a place of empathy and consideration of other people. This is in regard to the second example with my family and friends. Because I was able to put in perspective that my family and friends also had their own stuff going on, and I had to believe best intent. I had to believe they were showing up for me in the best way they knew how and the best way they could. And so in that case, if you need something in a relationship, it's best to directly communicate that and because no one is a mind reader and the more direct communication can help you set realistic expectations. 

Finally, setting reasonable expectations with yourself is really important. If you're saying, but I should be able to do this, give yourself some pause and meet yourself where you are. What can you do now and what is a realistic and obtainable goal for you despite whether it's where you should be or not. 

So to recap, in this episode, I talk about setting expectations and how it's important to have realistic expectations for yourself and others. You can do this by examining your values and also by putting your experience in perspective with other people. You can be honest with yourself and how you're doing and set realistic goals for your health and happiness. 

Well, thanks so much for listening tonight. Follow me on Instagram @TheMidnightPhilosopher. I'm going to realistically set some expectations for cleaning my kitchen now. Have a good night.