Episode 6: Coming Out (Happy Pride Month!)

In this episode,

Lizzie shares some thoughts about self-acceptance and coming to terms with her identity, the coming out process, working with LGBTQ youth, and more. Tune in to learn about bi-erasure, the different types of attraction, and how identity evolves over time.

Listen now

Listen on Spotify

Post-pod questions to consider

Is there a part of your identity you try to deny? How can you come to terms with yourself despite society's expectations?

Episode Transcript

Hey. You're listening to Midnight Philosopher with Lizzie. Thanks for tuning in. Today, I'm gonna talk about coming out. Happy Pride Month, by the way!

To come out merely means to share a part of your identity, but it specifically, in terms of being queer, it means to let those around you know you're LGBTQ. So I identify as bisexual, though in practice, I'm more pansexual, which means I'm attracted to people of all gender identities. This episode will mostly be about my own coming out story and the importance of self acceptance and loving yourself. 

So I suspected I was bisexual from an early age. You know, I wore typically masculine clothes as a kid and was considered, "a tomboy." And although that's kind of a stereotype, it was true for me in my case. I do identify as bisexual. 

So I didn't really come out until much later, but when I was in high school, my group of friends was mostly queer and sometimes some of them would kiss each other. And at that age, I was comfortable kissing boys, but not people of other genders. And I think that was partially due to the fact of maybe a little bit of an internalized homophobia of, like, I don't want to be bisexual, but also due to the fact that I just wanted life to be easy. And due to our society and the way that society is set up, heteronormativity is seemed it seemed easier. And although it wasn't true to my identity, I just really wanted life to be simple. So I would just kiss boys and no one else. 

When I got to college, I began to acknowledge that, you know, I am pretty attracted to women. So there's different types of attraction. There's physical attraction, there's emotional attraction, and romantic attraction, and I feel very emotionally attracted to women and people who don't identify as men. Physically, I'm attracted to most genders, all genders really, But, emotionally, I do feel a closer tie to women, um, and nonbinary people. And so that was kind of confusing for me to figure out, but I finally kind of came to terms that, yeah, I'm definitely attracted to people who aren't men in addition to men. 

So in my junior year, I kind of developed a crush on a friend. And although she, um, presented as being attracted to other women, she, at the end of the day, identified as straight, which was really confusing to me. And I finally told her I finally got the courage, and I was like, hey, look, you know, I really like you. I was wondering if you wanted to go out on a date sometime. And she rejected me, but not because she didn't like me, but because she was straight. And that was really confusing for me. 

I totally understand someone not vibing with me or not connecting with me because of who I am. But the fact that she identified as straight but talked about being attracted to women, it was just all very confusing for me. And then a few years later, I would, again, be in a very similar situation where there was a woman who was attracted to other women but would reject me for being straight. And then a couple years after that, there was another woman who did identify as queer or questioning at the time, but, again, she rejected me because I think this one felt a little bit more, like, clear cut. She just wasn't interested in me in that way, and that was fine. 

But it's just, like, all those rejections from women that I really, really liked was confusing to me and my sexuality. And I started to, like, kind of conflate being rejected by people I was really attracted to and really liked by being rejected by women in general. And so, again, I kind of felt the need to to deny my sexuality. Again, men at the time weren't rejecting me as much. They, you know, at the time, I was dressing a little bit more feminine than I do now, and I was pretty successful with people who identified as men. 

And so even though I didn't maybe have as close an emotional tie with them as I did with some people of other genders, I just felt so rejected by women in particular that it seemed easier to just date men and to just pretend that I was just attracted to men. Um, I guess I just wanted life to be less complicated, which is a common theme, and I think probably creates some biphobia in the world too. Like, it's not a choice who I'm attracted to, but I'm making it but I wanted it to be a choice of who I was attracted to, um, which is just adds a lot of layers of complications. 

Anyway, after my mom died, I decided that I really needed to come out. I couldn't handle simultaneously my grief and containing my sexuality at the same time. So one night, I texted all of my friends and most of my family, and I just was like, hey, everyone. I'm bisexual. And, thankfully, most of them had supportive responses or they were like, I'm so sorry your mom died, which didn't have anything to do with my sexuality, but I guess it was nice for them to acknowledge. And I was really lucky that they responded in such a supportive way. 

Many of my close friends are queer and being queer seems really important to them. And that is also confusing to me because I've really come to love myself and accept myself and and embrace my bisexuality, but the identity of queer isn't one that's super important to me. And I yeah. I'll probably never be someone where tattooed and rainbows wearing pride flags, and I think that's okay. It's okay to express your sexuality however you wanna express it. And I think it's okay for me to have other parts of my identity that feel more pertinent to me. 

For example, I really like being a dog and cat mom, or I identify as a social worker, or, you know, along those lines of things like that. And, I guess, sexuality is important to me, but it's not a core part of what I consider to be my identity. I think that's okay. So everyone has their own coming out story, and some people's stories are easier than others. I know as a therapist, I've worked with clients who were kicked out of their homes for being trans or couldn't come out to their parents for fear of being kicked out of their home. And I am truly honored to have worked with youth who experienced that because the some of those youth were the most resilient people I've ever met. 

But even though my own coming out story didn't have as many hurdles, I still experienced struggles because heteronormativity is real and sexuality is complicated. And identity is kind of nuanced, and labels can be confining. You know, I identify as bisexual, but I am attracted to people of all genders, so I really should identify as pansexual. I just like the way bisexual sounds better.  I can say with certainty that I am queer and I'm attracted to and could fall in love with people of any gender. 

But the journey of getting to where I am today took a lot of time and patience and self-love and acceptance. So for those of you on your own coming out journey, be patient and kind to yourself. You are the one who gets to determine your identity, and you get to determine that in your own time and your own way. There's no wrong or right way to be queer, and there's no wrong or right way to accept yourself in that regard. 

Anyway, I'm gonna go swipe on lots of different people on dating apps now. Have a good night.