Episode 34: Sorry I'm Apologizing So Much

In this episode,

Lizzie explores her chronic over apologizing, where it comes from and how she works to combat it.

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Post-pod questions to consider

Do you ever apologize unnecessarily or over and over even after someone has forgiven you? What might be behind your need to over apologize?

Episode Transcript

Hey, you're listening to Midnight Philosopher with Lizzie. Thanks for tuning in. 

Today I'm going to talk about over apologizing. Over apologizing is, well just that saying, sorry for things that aren't your fault or that you didn't do anything wrong for or that you already apologized for. Over apologizing can often feel up ending like you're apologizing for taking up space or existing at all. And over apologizing is a trauma response. 

Some trauma experts say there are four Fs of trauma, fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. And in the case of over apologizing, it would be fawn. Fawning is people pleasing to keep your safe, to keep yourself safe and over apologizing falls into that category. You often apologize to feel emotionally safe, and most likely anger is a scary emotion for you. 

Anger becomes a scary emotion for people often when they witness others using anger and destructive rather than constructive ways. 
Anger itself is not inherently bad, but how people express that anger can be as unsafe or even abusive and traumatic. Over apologizing is an attempt to assuage other people's anger or even your own anger at yourself. It's a fawn response and people who over apologize often have a difficult relationship with anger, whether that's their own angry feelings or the anger feelings of others. 

I'm a big over apologizer to the point where growing up my brothers would make fun of me and say I'm sorry in an exaggerated way. 
It was to the point where if someone bumped into me, I would apologize to them, even if they had been the one to run into me. If I was just standing still and someone walked right into me, I would say sorry. 

And I think in this case, it was directly tied to my self-esteem. I felt unworthy of taking up space in the world. I felt like I didn't really belong here. And so any space I took up I felt guilty about. And any space I inconvenienced people, I felt guilty about. And I think this stems from trying to make myself small growing up, trying to take up less space, because being one of four children, my parents definitely had their hands full. And I often tried to make myself smaller, metaphorically so that my parents weren't overtired or frustrated, especially with me. 

My dad is a great man, but he does have trouble regulating his emotions sometimes. And as a kid, I really didn't wanna be yelled at. My dad could be quite mean in his yelling because he was quite frustrated and didn't know how to regulate. And even though I know he loves me very much, I felt that taking up less space would mean that he would yell at me less frequently. And this has led me to over apologizing as an adult when I feel that I take up too much space or really any space at all. 

Another time I over apologize is when I do something mildly irritating to someone else. I apologize once, which seems sometimes necessary, but then I keep apologizing. For example, one time my best friend Ben asked me to pick up a specific kind of oat milk at the grocery store where I was at the grocery store. Anyway, I accidentally grabbed the wrong kind because the packaging looked similar. 

And when I got back, I felt horrible. I apologized once and decided to go back to the store and grab the right one. Ben didn't even think it was that big a deal at all. But even after apologizing once, I felt the need to apologize again and again. I felt extreme guilt for quote unquote messing up. 

And this comes from my need to feel that I must be perfect, especially in social situations. I don't give myself the grace to make mistakes even though I'm much more flexible with others. 
This need for perfection is again, a trauma response. When I was growing up, I felt the need to be perfect, especially because one of my brothers had higher needs than me. 

He had challenging behaviors such as peeing on the couch on purpose, or dumping out all the toys. He got frustrated frequently and sometimes even broke gaming controllers. He lashed out at me and my other brothers both verbally and physically. And I associated his anger as scary. And so I learned to suppress my own anger. And I felt that anger at myself when I made mistakes. So I learned that in order to not feel angry, I had to be perfect and not make mistakes, which led me to over apologizing when I felt like I did make a mistake. 

Another time I over apologize is when I'm late to social hangouts. I'm rarely late to work because I put great pressure on myself to be on time. However, when I'm late to social hangouts, my friends usually don't really care, even if I'm like twenty minutes late, they say they don't care. But to me, it really bothers me. I just felt quote unquote lazy that morning and had a difficult time getting up and going to brunch on time. 

It's a difficult balance for me because growing up my dad had a chronic need to be early. Sometimes we would show up hours early to events such as my older brother's basketball games. And to counteract this as my brothers and I became teenagers, we wanted to avoid the embarrassment of being so early, so my brothers and I would run chronically late, which frustrated my dad. Running late was a way for us to feel social safety. 

But now running late doesn't really serve me. I do wanna hang out with my friends, but I still feel the pull to be late sometimes to not be the one to show up early. And so I over apologized to my friends because I feel guilt from my childhood when my dad used to get angry at me for being late. Guilt motivates me to over apologize even if my guilt is unjustified and I haven't really done anything that feels wrong to me or that crosses my values. Everybody runs late sometimes. 

Over apologizing is a hard habit to break. So what can you do if you notice yourself over apologizing? First, perhaps start by saying this mantra yourself. "I deserve to take up space in the world" and really start to acknowledge and believe that you are worthy of space. Here's the thing: Every single living creature is worthy of taking up space in the world for the simple fact that they exist and deserve to be respected. Allowing yourself to take up space is a great step in the direction of improving your self-esteem. 

Next, try telling yourself that anger doesn't always have to be scary. If you've experienced anger as scary in your life, this can be a difficult idea to break. But perhaps that anger when constructively used, actually creates beautiful changes in the world. Social justice, for example, is built on constructive anger. Social change happens because people are angry and then act in ways that benefit others. 

And this can be on a smaller scale too. If you feel angry, your anger is telling you that something is crossing a boundary of yours or that something needs to change, allow yourself to feel angry and acknowledge that you can use this anger constructively instead of destructively. Anger doesn't always have to be scary. Sometimes creativity and ingenuity come from feelings of anger because anger can lead to a unique problem solving. It doesn't always have to be scary. 

Finally, ask yourself, did I actually do anything wrong? If the answer is no, then there's no need to apologize. If the answer is yes, then apologize once. There's no need to repeat an apology if the other person hears you the first time. 

In this episode, I talked about over apologizing. I talked about how it's a trauma response, usually in response to the emotion of anger because anger has been scary to you or in in terms of yourself or in others. I talked about how the way you're raised can influence how you over apologize as an adult. I talked about owning the need to take up space, acknowledging that anger can be constructive and realizing when you did or didn't do something wrong. 

Follow me on Instagram @TheMidnightPhilosopher. I'm sorry for taking so much of your time tonight with this podcast. Just kidding. I'm not sorry. I didn't do anything wrong. Have a good night.