Episode 43: Understanding Your Attachment Style

In this episode,

Lizzie covers attachment theory, how to identify and understand yours, and what to do about it.

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Post-pod questions to consider

What attachment style do you think you have? And what attachment styles do you think your friends and family have?

Episode Transcript

Hey, you are listening to Midnight Philosopher with Lizzie. Thanks for tuning in.

Today I'm going to talk about attachment theory. Attachment theory is a theory developed by mental health professionals such as John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. The theory basically states that the first five years of someone's life are imperative for making the blueprint for their relationships for the rest of their lives. The relationship you have with your early caregivers can ultimately impact the relationships you have with romantic partners, friendships, and even relationships at work. Any kind of relationship that's significant to you, your attachment style can show up as a kid. 

If your caregiver inconsistently showed you love, you'll probably develop what's called an anxious attachment style. As an adult, this means that you'll often seek reassurance in your relationships to make sure that your partner still cares about you. This directly relates to behaviors you might have had to exhibit as a child in order to get the affection and intention of your caregiver. 

If your caregiver as a child was distant and cold, you're likely to form what's called an avoidant attachment style. As a kid, you learned you had to rely on yourself to soothe yourself and get your needs met. This means that as an adult, when you and your partner have a disagreement, for example, you'll need to take a lot of space. You might also have the fear of being smothered by your partner, anxiously attached people and avoidantly attached people often attract each other. This is because they're both trying to get their needs met that they didn't get met as children, the anxiously attached person thinks that if they can somehow get the avoidantly attached person to love them, that they will feel loved and safe in the relationship.

And the avoidantly attached person initially seeks the comfort the anxiously attached per person provides. However, the more love and reassurance the anxiously attached person seeks from the avoidantly attached person, the more smothered the avoidantly attached person feels, and they begin to distance themselves. This anxious avoidant dance can be extremely triggering and difficult for both people involved.

In addition, two anxiously attached individuals might try to date, but they might find that they trigger each other's insecurities a lot and need a lot of reassurance from each other, which is a cycle that makes them feel unsafe. And two avoidantly attached People might try to date, but their aversion to conflict and their need to withdraw will probably ultimately lead them to separate. 

Finally, there are two other types of attachment styles. There's disorganized, which is a combination of anxious and avoidant. People with a disorganized attachment style often had caregivers who were unpredictable or caused them harm. The person that was supposed to comfort them was the person that hurt them. This leads people to grow up having trust issues. People with disorganized attachment styles often crave intimacy and love while simultaneously running away from it. 

Finally, there's what's called a secure attachment. These are people who had their needs met in childhood, securely Attached people know how to balance closeness and space and show up for the partners in themselves to be securely attached. This means that your caregiver was attuned to your physical and emotional needs 30% of the time or more. However, no matter what your attachment style is, anxious, avoidant or disorganized. With enough therapy, you can develop what's called an earned a secure attachment, which means you respond in ways a securely attached person would. 

I have a disorganized attachment style, and I'll talk about how my anxious tendencies show up. My avoidant tendencies show up and my disorganized tendencies show up. For example, for anxious. Let's go back to this relationship I had in college. I really liked this guy. We only hung out for a couple of months and it was a pretty casual relationship, but I always hoped it would turn into more. 

He started to grow a bit more distant, and so I started texting him a bunch of things in a row, are you mad at me? What's going on? Etc. Etc. I was seeking reassurance. I'll be honest. It was probably in an annoying way, and I know now that this man was avoidantly attached. So instead of giving me the reassurance I was looking for, he withdrew even more from me and finally broke up with me. My anxious attachment style ended up pushing him away further, which reinforced the wound that I was unlovable. 

For an example of my avoidantly attached tendencies, I once went on a date with this woman. A couple dates on the third date. She said that she was starting to de develop feelings for me and that she liked me. I felt this was way too soon to say something like that, especially since I felt like she barely knew me. Her expression of affection felt stifling to me, so I withdrew. She then sought reassurance by asking me if I liked her, which made me withdraw further. I started avoiding her texts, waiting a couple days to respond, and I finally broke up with her. 

Finally, I've also shown my disorganized attachment style and the first years of my friendship with Ben, I often had internal dialogues of that. I couldn't trust him. He always proved himself trustworthy, but I just wasn't sure. My therapist always had me check the facts of the situation. If you don't know what I mean by check the facts of the situation, you can look into Episode 39 on Reality Testing.

Slowly over time with Ben, I realized that he was there for me, that sometimes, of course, we would disappoint each other because we're not perfect. But overall, he had my best intentions at heart. Through our nearly two decades of friendship, I've started to show an earned secure attachment style with him.

So how can you figure out your attachment style and what can you do with that information? You can think about your upbringing and the relationship you had to your caregivers. You can also ask yourself, when you feel conflict in a relationship, do you seek reassurance? Do you withdraw? Do you have trouble trusting the other person, or do you feel that you can safely and navigate the uncomfortable feelings of the disagreement?

If you seek reassurance, you might be anxiously attached. If you withdraw, you might be avoidantly attached. If you have trouble trusting, you might have a disorganized attachment, and if you feel confident, you can n navigate the disagreement. You might be securely attached.

Next, after figuring out your attachment style, you can practice self-awareness. If you find yourself starting to seek reassurance, pause and try to check the facts. If you feel yourself withdrawing, pause and see how you can show up for the other person. If you find yourself not trusting the other person, gather evidence for times that they've been trustworthy and working with a good therapist, you can also start to develop a secure attachment style.

There are a couple of really good books out there that go into attachment style in more depth and can help you figure out your own attachment style. The book called Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller is a good place to start. It has a nice quiz on it that can help you figure out if your disorganized, anxious, avoidant or securely attached.

And another book that might be helpful is the book, Polysecure by Jessica Fern. This is a good place to learn about attachment styles in different relationships from person to person and how different attachment styles can show up in different relationships. 

Additionally, attachment styles don't show up just in romantic relationships, but also in friendships at work and in any interpersonal relationship that feels significant. So it's really helpful to know which attachment style you lean into and which one is showing up for you in particular relationships. 

In this episode, I talked about the four attachment styles, anxious, avoidant, disorganized, and secure. I talked about how you can recognize which one you may be, as well as some things you can do to help work towards a secure attachment. 

Well, thanks so much for listening. I'm gonna go practice trusting people. Have a good night.