Episode 47: How to Prepare for a First Date

In this episode,

Lizzie shares some tips for preparing psychologically for a first date, navigating anxieties and fears of rejection, and avoiding first date ideas that set you up for failure.

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Post-pod questions to consider

What's the best first date you've ever been on? What's the worst? What elements that Lizzie discussed are present in these examples?

Episode Transcript

Hey. You're listening to Midnight Philosopher with Lizzie. Thanks for tuning in. 

Today, I'm going to talk about first dates. Dating can be anxiety producing, especially first dates. You can wonder how you present and how you come across and what the other person will think of you. You might also be worried about how to dress or get some blanket statement advice from someone to "just be yourself." But what does that mean exactly? People are extremely nuanced, so being yourself often takes many dates to unfold your layers and someone else's. 

A first date is more of a meet and greet and a vibe check. 
You don't have to reveal your whole self, and it's probably advisable not to. But it is important to be as honest as feels comfortable. It's also important to turn some of your thoughts outwards. Instead of wondering if the other person likes you, for example, begin to wonder if you like the other person. This shift in perspective will likely get you out of your head and help you be a better active listener and participant in the conversation. 

Additionally, anxiety was initially your body's way of preparing for action, whether that meant fighting or fleeing. However, both anxiety and excitement cause your veins in your body to expand and it and cause the blood flow in your limbs to increase. So it's important to remember that anxiety and excitement have a similar physiological reaction to the body. 

It can be helpful to do some grounding techniques, more on that in Episode 25, and then remind yourself that while you're feeling anxious, it's also possible that part of you is feeling excited. Excitement means looking forward to something. So while anxiety leads to the urge to avoid, excitement often leads to the urge to lean in into the experience. 

I've gone on many first dates over the years. One first date, I went ax throwing with this guy I'll call Matt. I hadn't been ax throwing in a while, and Matt had never gone. I was miraculously somehow really good at it. I kept making bullseye after bullseye. Matt was objectively not as good. His acts kept bouncing off the target, and he was barely landing any points at all. 

What made it worse is that at the end of the game, I went for this tiny green spot on the target called a clutch. The clutch is supposed to be really hard to get because you have to call it first and then hit it. And I did just that. I even got to sign my name on the ax. For lack of a better word to describe it, I completely crushed Matt at ax throwing. But to my pleasant surprise, Matt didn't give up, even when he was losing and was a surprisingly good sport about it. 

This allowed me to see him in a fun and interesting light. However, at the end of the date, I realized I hadn't actually learned too much about Matt. So while I actually realized that axe throwing was more of a second date, it did also give room for me to see Matt in a competitive context. And for more on that, you can check out Episode 10, The Art of Competition. This in turn intrigued me and led to a second date. 

Another first date that I had was with a person I'll call Laura. A couple minutes before our first date, Laura messaged me. Great, I thought. She's canceling. And then I read the message. Laura was canceling, but not for the reason I thought. She was right outside the date spot and had gotten hit by a car. I decided that I wouldn't wanna be alone in that if that happened to me. So concerned, I said I'd really like to come be with her if that was okay with her. 

She agreed, so I got to the scene, and Laura was talking to the police. She was luckily mostly okay, but the car had sideswiped her own car and broken the door. I told her I'd get her takeout and drive her home, and we could do our date another time. But she insisted that we have a date. The problem was I didn't enjoy myself on the date at all. Not because of what had happened, but because Laura kept giving me unsolicited advice. 

She also said the police said I was a keeper, and my avoidant attachment style was triggered by Laura's praise. For more on that, you can check out Episode 43 on Attachment Styles. And her unsolicited advice rubbed me the wrong way. I had to end up texting her later that night and saying that I didn't think we were a match. I, of course, felt awful because of what had happened to her in her car, but also didn't want to lead her on or be a knight in shining armor. I learned from this lesson that we should have just canceled the date. 

And the third date I went on was with this person, let's call her Chelsea. We got a drink together. Our date started off great with banter back and forth. We joked around, and I felt attracted to her. About three quarters into the date, Chelsea told me she was a witch. I didn't usually think religion was a first date topic, but I'm glad we talked about it because she said it made up a big part of her identity. Chelsea and I dated for a couple months after that, and I learned that first dates have guidelines but no rules. 

So what can you do to prepare for a first date? First, you can throw out all the advice you've ever gotten. First dates are about finding an equilibrium and balance with another human being. Secondly, ask questions. Be curious. Curiosity is an admirable quality, and it helps you get to know the other person better. Furthermore, it helps the other person feel heard and appreciated. 

Also, please learn from some of the lessons from my experiences. Maybe don't pick a first date as a competition as it helps to initially be on the same team as someone. So perhaps maybe just grab a drink or a coffee. Also, maybe don't be someone's knight in shining armor because they won't get the full picture of who you are. And maybe let yourself be guided by your curiosity even if that means talking about religion on a first date. 

And what can you do if you're feeling anxious or if you're worried about rejection? If you're feeling anxious, you can remind yourself that you can leave at any time, especially if the other person makes you feel uncomfortable in any way. 

You can also establish a time limit for yourself. You can give yourself an hour and a half and call the date after that no matter how well it's going. If it's a good date, the hour and a half leaves plenty of things to discuss on the next date. If it's a mediocre date, it gives you a taste to kinda gauge how you feel. And if it's a date that's not going well, you can leave without feeling like you spent too much time with it. 

And remember, if you're worried about rejection, rejection is unfortunately part of the dating process. But get out of your head and stop worrying if the other person likes you and start worrying about what's in your control and whether you like the other person. 

In this episode, I talked about first dates. I talked about some of the lessons I learned, and I talked about some tips on how to have a great first date. I talked about coming from a place of curiosity, which will help the date go more smoothly and allow you to better get to know the other person. I talked about how first date rules are really just guidelines, and I talked about what you can do if you're feeling anxious, such as turn it into excitement, and if you're feeling worried about rejection. 

Well, thanks so much for listening tonight. I'm gonna go have a good first date now. Have a good night.