Episode 5: Loneliness

In this episode,

Lizzie tackles loneliness, why we feel it, when it has come up for her, and what she's done about it. Tune in for some tips on recognizing when you're feeling lonely and how to help yourself through it.

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Post-pod questions to consider

When is a time you've felt lonely? What do you think triggered it? What are three things you can try next time you're feeling disconnected?

Episode Transcript

Hey, you are listening to Midnight Philosopher with Lizzie. Thanks for tuning in today, I'm gonna talk about loneliness. Loneliness is is more of a psychological state. People can be physically alone and not really feel that lonely. On the other hand, people can be in a room full of people and feel utterly alone. Loneliness at its core is feeling disconnected, feeling unseen, and feeling unappreciated. 

And sometimes this loneliness does stem from a traumatic experiences. Now, in social work, we talk about big T trauma and little T trauma, like if you spell trauma with a capital T versus spelling it with a little T. Big T trauma is often trauma that gets talked about where you believe you or your someone you care about is life is, or wellbeing is being threatened in some way. That's Big T trauma. However, little t trauma are smaller instances that make your nervous system feel unsettled and little. This could be anything from anything someone finds traumatic. 

So for this person, a little T trauma could be failing a test or getting embarrassed on a first date or anything that makes your nervous system get a little bit out of order outta whack. Loneliness can stem from either big T trauma or little T trauma, and it's usually that feeling of feeling disconnected from those around you. It's maybe feeling misunderstood that people don't understand what you've been through, or that no one really knows the real you. 

And I've felt lonely many times in my life. It's actually something I struggle with quite a lot. One time, for example, I went to go watch a friend in a play. The play was a comedy, and my friend did a great job acting the entire, but the entire play. I sat next to a man who smelled heavily of B.O. and natural deodorant. It was not a pleasant combo, and he smelled so bad. I nearly cried, and it was so hard to pay attention to the show. 

I'm kind of kidding about the crying, but also kind of being serious. He smelled awful. Anyway, at the end of the show, I went to congratulate my friend, his girlfriend was also there, and I left really quickly after that because I kind of just felt like a third wheel. Like I felt like they were having some intimate moment where his girlfriend was all impressed with him for performing. 
And I just didn't wanna be there for that. So I left the play. And after I left the play, I felt really lonely. 

Now, this is a small example, but for me, I felt lonely because I didn't have anyone to share the experience with of the smelly man. And I didn't feel connected to my friend at the end, but rather kind of more like an outsider. And so to counteract this loneliness, I called one of my best friends, Ben. Ben laughed and listened as I told him about the man whose stench almost made me throw up. And he comforted me when I felt like a third wheel. And when Ben comforted me, I didn't feel so alone before. And I'm really grateful that I have Ben, that I can call and tell him mundane, stupid things in my life where that actually make me feel lonely. And his presence, Ben's presence and, and just talking to me makes me feel so much better. 

Another time I felt lonely was when I was in a car accident, when my car was rear ended during the pandemic. This is peak pandemic. My car was nearly totaled, and the man who rear ended me was really nice. But as soon as he drove away and I tried to drive away, I heard a big part of my car dragging on the ground. And I knew I couldn't drive my car, and I didn't know how I was gonna ho get home. So I pulled over to this parking lot and I just felt really lonely, really alone. I called AAA, I got my car towed, and then I tried to call Uber after Uber after Uber. But because it was the pandemic, I couldn't land one, I couldn't get an Uber. 

And I considered walking the six miles home. But I felt pretty shaken by the car accident. I wasn't hurt, thankfully, but my legs kind of felt like jelly. And I just, it was really warm out. It was maybe like 95 degrees outside. And just the idea of walking that far right after this had happened was not my first choice. I did start to cry, and then I thought about maybe, maybe I could ask someone for help. So I thought about my friend Julia, who lived a couple blocks away from me. And we had been hanging out a lot during the pandemic, like outside with masks. And I knew she had a car. And the, and the workday was over at this point. So I called her and I was, I was worried I was burdening her. I was worried I was being a pain, but she was so nice to me. 

And she said she was on the way to come pick me up. And, and I was so thankful. And I walked over to a grocery store, I brought her some blueberries and other snacks, and she picked me up and, and took me home. And, and in that case, my loneliness stemmed from kind of from a desperation. But what helped me feel less lonely was asking for help. And it's hard for me to give people a chance sometimes because I don't wanna be disappointed and I don't wanna be hurt. And if I ask someone for help in that situation, and they say no, I totally understand it, and they have a right to say no, and you know, no one needs to say yes. 

It just also increases my feeling of loneliness. And, and so, and then I would've had to cope with that and then maybe ask someone else for help, which is all that to say, I am just really grateful Julia was able to be there for me and helped me feel a little less alone in that moment. 

And the third time that I felt deep loneliness was after my mom died. I was pretty much spiraling with grief. And my brother Chris, who was also consumed by grief at the time, he called me every day. He got dinner with me every night. And he was also only 22 at the time. We were, we were both 22. And I am so grateful that he took care of me and it really shouldn't have fallen on him. You know, he was also 22, also just graduated college also, just trying to find his footing. But he was the person who showed up for me. He was the person who showed up for me when I felt like an outcast from society. And I felt like no one knew my pain, no one knew my pain. But Chris was able to hold it for me a little bit because most 22 year olds were worried about which job to pick or whom to date. 

And I was literally worried about getting up the next day and eating breakfast and making sure I took my meds. And Chris was really my life jacket at the time. He, you know, he kept me floating when I probably otherwise would've drowned in my sadness, which is kind of extreme to say, but also pretty accurate. His being there for me was super powerful. And although I still felt lonely, he did shield me from how bad it could have been. When people feel lonely, they need connection. 

And I know I'm pretty lucky to have friends and family I can call, and I know not everyone has that. But there have been moments and times when no one was available for me to connect to, you know, kind of like had, you know, in that car accident, if Julia wasn't able to pick me up, I might've, you know, had some other worries and thoughts. And so, you know, sometimes you need to be able to find that connection yourself. So some things I did to help myself of, if I'm feeling alone and disconnected and I, you know, can't reach out to anybody, sometimes I'll text 988, which is the crisis hotline. They have volunteers there. And the volunteers will text you and validate your feelings. And sometimes texting with someone who's validating and kind is really helpful, even if you don't know them. So I really encourage everyone to try 988. 

And other times if I feel really lonely, sometimes I'll go to a coffee shop and I'll order a coffee. And honestly, just that interaction helps brighten my day. Sometimes just that momentary interaction with a P person, sometimes it's really helpful. And then, you know, I also tried to join activities that I like. Like for example, I joined Dodgeball and I met other, like-minded and quirky people. And it's hard because when you're feeling lonely, it's hard to find that energy to make those connections or to make those changes. 

But it's those connections and changes that help you get out of loneliness. So it's really hard and it's necessary. Well, thanks so much for listening to this episode. I'm gonna go call my brother Chris now. Have a good night.