Episode 21: Setting Boundaries

In this episode,

Lizzie discusses the importance of having boundaries, not only with the people in your life but also with yourself. Listen in to learn how to recognize when you need to set a boundary and how to make sure they are flexible and adaptable.

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Post-pod questions to consider

Did any of Lizzie's examples resonate for you? Is there a people-pleasing tendency you can work to establish a boundary for? What is one area of your life where you might be happier setting a boundary with yourself?

Episode Transcript

Hey. You're listening to Midnight Philosopher with Lizzie. Thanks for tuning in. Today, I'm going to talk about setting boundaries. 

Setting boundaries is setting reasonable limits with people to protect your mental health and well-being. You can think of boundaries kinda like a cell wall. They let nutrients in and out and can be flexible when needed. But they're not like a castle wall, which is rigid and unbending. And they're not like a bubble wall, which provides no protection at all. Boundaries are put in place to keep yourself safe and to keep others safe. And you can set boundaries with other people, and you can also set boundaries within yourself. And I'll talk about both in the following examples. 

So I've had to set boundaries many times in my life. When I was younger, especially in my early twenties and teens, if I got invited somewhere, I would usually say yes and go, despite sometimes not really wanting to. You know, like, someone would be like, "hey, Lizzie, come to the movies with me. Hey, Lizzie, let's go do this thing." And I'd feel this, like, urge to say yes. You know, people pleasing tendencies at its finest, But I had a really hard time saying no to people. 

So in my own therapy, my therapist worked hard with me on having to say no to invitations. And we talked about how I just needed some alone time to rejuvenate and how sometimes I might not wanna go for whatever reason. Maybe I don't wanna spend that much time with that those people or I don't wanna do that activity. And so she helped me think of ways to politely say no without over explaining or giving too many reasons. So, for example, "thanks so much for the invite. Unfortunately, I'm not free that day, but I hope you have fun." 

The reason you wanna keep it brief, short, and to the point is so that people can't argue with you. If you say, "oh, I'm sorry. I have to do x, y, and z," they might be, like, "oh, well, you can come after that" or, "oh, that's not a big deal" or, "oh, you can do that later." And if you just keep it short, to the point, brief, without overexplaining, it really helps you be able to keep that boundary in place with someone not testing it. 

Because, unfortunately, when you set boundaries, sometimes people will test them, because it's not always what they want or what they wanna hear. And in the case of invitations, they might really want you to come to this thing. And so it's important to hold your boundaries in place and repeat them if needed, and to not be swayed on your boundaries just because someone else tells you to. It's okay if you change your boundaries because you want to, but the onus should be on you and not coming from someone else. 

Other things my therapist and I talked about were ways that I could stall if I wasn't sure if I wanted to go to an invitation. So, you know, saying things like, "thanks so much. I have to check my schedule and get back to you." And saying no to invitations made me a much happier person, I gotta be honest. I felt that I had more personal agency and control over my life, and I was happier prioritizing my time. 

Another time I had to set boundaries was with with myself. In my early twenties, I had an unhealthy relationship to alcohol. I was drinking every day and sometimes multiple drinks a day. And, you know, according to doctors, that's way too much. I know, maybe, it's common, but it was not healthy for me. So, with the help of my therapist, I had to set a boundary with myself. For my own health and happiness, I had to stop drinking. It was making me depressed. It was making me feel unwell, and it was making me irritable and anxious. And so, no matter if I wanted to keep drinking, the consequences of drinking were making me feel bad. 

So I stopped. I made a commitment to my therapist and, more importantly, to myself. My therapist taught me how to curb my urges to drink, and she taught me a technique called "urge surfing," which is basically the idea that an urge, even a really strong urge, typically only lasts for about 20 minutes. Or, it gets a lot less intense after 20 minutes. So if I could distract myself for 20 minutes, my urge to drink usually went away, or it got small enough to the point where I could handle it. 

So this technique really worked for me, and setting this boundary with myself helped me live a healthier life. You know, I occasionally have a drink or two now, but I don't feel like I need to like I used to. I was definitely using drinking to cope with my grief and my feelings. And I can always tell when myself now, I set a boundary with myself. If I feel like I need to drink, I set that boundary and don't let myself drink because that is where I get into trouble. If I just want to have a drink socially, that's that's okay for me. And that's also an example of a flexible boundary. 

And the third boundary I've had to set is with one of my friends. 
You know, sometimes it's hard when you have a friendship and it's becoming a little bit toxic, and you have to set a kind of a boundary that maybe ends the friendship or distances yourself. So, my friend was using and selling drugs, and most of our hangouts kind of just consisted of him talking about using and selling drugs. And I felt that our friendship wasn't that mutual anymore. I felt like I was losing him, and I wasn't able to have real and true conversations with him anymore. Not even about drugs, just like, I wasn't able to talk to him about my feelings or anything because he was so consumed with the substances, selling and and using them.
 
And, frankly, also being a social worker, I didn't want legal implications for myself. You know, my friend would eventually get caught, and if I had been involved with that at all, it wouldn't have been good for me or my career. So I decided to set a boundary, and I distanced myself from my friend. And it was really hard because my friend and I had been friends for a really long time. And he was really important to me, and I really cared about him. 
But I had to put myself first and take care of my mental health and my well-being. And it just was really draining hanging out with him, and I felt like I wasn't even connecting with him anymore. 

So it was really difficult to make this decision, but I decided that I needed to put distance between me and my friend because my friend was only going to change if he wanted to and felt ready. But as I talked about, boundaries can change and be flexible. So I did, many years later, end up reconnecting with this friend after he was put under house arrest and forced to stop using and selling drugs. 
I was able to increase contact with him at this time because his behaviors were no longer impacting our friendship. 

And that's the thing. Sometimes friends have behaviors that impact the friendship. And if you feel like you can't have an honest conversation with them about those behaviors and how they're impacting you in the friendship, sometimes it's really hard, but you have to create space. Sometimes you even have to cut ties. 
So, basically, setting boundaries is really important. 

You might be wondering how to set boundaries or what boundaries you might even need to set. And a good clue when you need to set a boundary in your life is if you feel resentment towards someone or a situation. Usually, resentment is a form of anger, and it shows up when someone is crossing a boundary of yours, whether you have that boundary in place or not. So, start by noticing the times you feel resentful and think of what might be a healthy boundary. 

For me, I felt resentful always saying yes to plans, and so I needed a boundary in place. For boundaries within yourself, ask yourself if there's habits you have that are getting in the way of your goals or happiness. And for me, drinking was getting in the way of my happiness, and so I needed to set a boundary within myself. And, third, I was feeling resentful when my with my friend when every conversation was about drugs, and he wasn't making that much sense. And he wasn't really, I didn't feel connected to him anymore. 

And it's okay to have different boundaries in different settings. You might have different boundaries at work than you do in your personal life. For example, at work, I'm not really swearing all that much, but in my personal life, I swear quite a bit. And that's why boundaries are like the cell wall and not a castle wall. 
It's okay for them to be flexible in different situations. 

And sometimes people can get mad at you or feel frustrated when you set boundaries with them, and it's important to stay with your boundaries and reiterate them if you need to. Because a good friend should be able to respect your boundaries. If a friend isn't able to accept and listen to a reasonable boundary, then that friend might be exhibiting some toxic behaviors, and it's worth examining if having that friend in your life is filling up your cup or giving you support and joy or if it's draining you. Friends can and should show up for each other, and it should really be mutual. Though it won't always be 50/50 all the time, a good friendship feels mutual.
 
Tonight, I talked about setting boundaries and how it's healthy to set boundaries with other people and with yourself. I talked about some of the clues that you might need to set a boundary in your life, such as resentment or a habit negatively impacting your life, and how it's okay to code switch and have different boundaries and behaviors in different settings of your life. 

I might tell my friends in great depth about my love life, but I wouldn't even mention it at work. Life is better with boundaries because with boundaries, you can start to trust yourself and trust other people. If I know my yes means yes and my no means no, I can trust that I actually want to be hanging out with certain people. 
And if I assume that other people have good boundaries, I can trust that when they say yes to me, they mean it as well. 

Thanks for listening tonight. I'm gonna go set a boundary with myself about going to bed. Also, I would like to say that despite being a history major, I, in my last episode, referenced the Queen of England, who has been dead for two years and meant to say King of England. So excuse me about that. Anyway, have a good night.