Episode 37: How to Enjoy Being Single in your Thirties

In this episode,

Lizzie reflects on the experiences of being single as an adult in her thirties and how she finds emotional intimacy and support in other places.

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Post-pod questions to consider

Even if you're not single, what other people or places do you turn to for support aside from a partner? Who else in your life helps you co-regulate and manage feelings of loneliness?

Episode Transcript

Hey, you're listening to Midnight Philosopher with Lizzie. Thanks for tuning in. 

Today, I'm going to talk about being single in your thirties. Society often has an unprecedented expectation that people in their thirties are married with kids. However, this is often far from the truth. Many people in their thirties are single for a variety of reasons, including divorce, by being a widow, by choice, or by circumstance. 

In a society that is built for and puts romantic relationships on a pedestal, being single in your thirties can present some challenges. It can be especially more challenging than being single in your twenties. According to Eric Erickson, a famous German psychologist, born in the early 1900, there are eight life stages people go through developmentally. The stage between 18 and 40 years old is categorized as "intimacy versus isolation." Romantic relationships are made out to be the epitome of intimacy, even though people often receive intimacy from other relationships in their lives, including familial relationships and friendships. 

And because the life stage of early to middle adulthood is so focused on in intimacy versus feeling isolated or alone, people in their thirties might be led to believe that being single means there's something "wrong" with them. But there's nothing wrong with being single, and it even has its benefits. I've been single for most of my adult life. The longest romantic relationship I've ever had was actually in high school. I have dated people on and off throughout the years, but would most strongly identify with the concept of being single. 

Being single in my thirties has impacted me in different ways. One way it impacted me was sometimes I find it more difficult to relate to some of my friends. Most of my friends my age have partners and many of them have kids, and I've sometimes felt left out or feel felt left out of place. However, while those experiences have sometimes created feelings of loneliness for me, it has encouraged me to develop other areas of my life. 

I spend a lot of time with my pets, and I feel very close to them, and I've honed my creativity in visual art and improv. There's nothing "wrong with me" for developing other areas of my life. While people are dating, I'm creating relationships with experiences. And to me, while it can be lonely, it is also fulfilling. But if you wanna check out more on loneliness, you can check out Episode 5. 

Being single in my thirties is especially difficult when I feel frustrated and want to co-regulate with someone. This especially happens for me around the holidays. For more on my feelings about being single on the holidays, check out Episode 30, which is Grief around the Holidays. But it's times when there are times when it'd be nice to turn around to someone and discuss my feelings and feel that sense of calm that you feel when you share those things with someone.

But I do actually have those kinds of relationships. I have a lot of really beautiful friendships that help me co-regulate. One time I was in a really bad mood because I had performed in a show the night before and was feeling insecure about my performance. I got lunch with my friend Mel, and she was able to laugh with me around it. Her laughter helped calm my nervous system, co-regulating - or the ability to help each other calm each other's nervous systems - is known to happen in romantic relationships, but friendships can also be sources of attachment and co-regulation. 

Being attached to someone means being attuned to them, or in other words, understanding them, seeing them, and being there for them. And people can feel great attachment towards friends. While it might not be as laser focused as it is in a romantic relationship, my attachment to friends like Mel has helped me feel safe and secure in this chaotic world. 

A third time that being single in my thirties has impacted me is when I went to the emergency room alone. I went to urgent care for a rapid heart rate. It was so rapid that they sent me to the emergency room. First, they asked if I wanted them to call an ambulance. I said, no, because the times I've ridden in an ambulance have always been super expensive, and I realized that I could call 911 if I needed to. I did drive and make it to the emergency room okay, and went through various testing there. I was in the emergency room for six hours, and it ended up being until three in the morning. 

Going through this experience alone was a bit scary, but I wasn't all alone. I had been texting with my friend Ben. He was reassuring and comforting, and I made a list of people in my head who I would reach out to if they're this turned into a true medical emergency. Going through that experience alone helped me know what I was capable of. It helped me gain confidence in myself and that I can make good decisions to take care of myself, and that I can trust myself if I need to be there. And it also helped me realize that I do have people I could turn to and ask for help, even though I am single. And even though in those situations, a life partner is usually the first person you'd call. 

So while being single in your thirties can be really difficult and hard and also lonely, it can also be rewarding in some ways. What are some things you can do if you're single in your thirties? You can strengthen your relationship with friends. It might not feel as intense as a romantic relationship, but friendships aren't a consolation prize by any means. They're a beautiful relationship that can, in many ways, often do outlast a romantic relationship. For more on friendships, check out Episode 11 on Making Friends as an Adult. 

You can also build relationships with experiences. For example, I've joked to myself that I've been dating improv for years now. I'm dating the experiences that come along with improv. I'm invested in somewhat passionate about it. You can also feel your feelings and admit that sometimes it is hard to be single, and it is lonely, but a romantic relationship doesn't define you. You are your own definition, and you can still live a beautiful life and a beautiful life single. Being single does not mean you are all alone. With the right support network in place, you can accomplish a lot of creativity solo. And while it is hard and sometimes lonely to be single, there is something to be said for taking opportunities to expand your creativity on your own. 

In this episode tonight, I talked about being single in your thirties. I talked about how it can be lonely, but how it can also be inspirational and let you know what you're capable of. I also talked about how friendships can be attachment figures, and how you can co-regulate with others besides romantic partners. Well, thanks so much for listening tonight. I'm going to go make art instead of going on a date. Have a good night.